Raging at your spouse about chores won’t fix the problem. What works

Dr. Jelena Kecmanovic is a clinical psychologist in the Washington, DC, area and an adjunct lecturer at Georgetown University. Her Substack is “No Delusions with Dr. K. Psychologist.”

Spencer Hilligoss, a 42-year-old entrepreneur in the Bay Area, didn’t start out as an equal partner at home. Early in his marriage, his job came first. He was dimly aware that his wife of 14 years carried most of the household load, but he reassured himself with a familiar justification: “I’m bringing in more money.”

After their first child was born 11 years ago, the imbalance intensified. His wife struggled under the increased burden at home, and they argued more frequently. One day, she sat him down and told him she didn’t want to be his mom.

“That hit me hard,” Hilligoss told me. “I felt criticized, and my first reaction was to become defensive or withdraw.”

Versions of this gender gap struggle play out in heterosexual households across the country, documented by Arlie Hochschild’s 1989 classic book “The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home” and more recent bestsellers such as Gemma Hartley’s “Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward.”

Plenty of evidence validates women’s frustration with the persistent imbalance in household labor and childcare. Yet surveys show that since the 1990s, there’s been remarkably little progress in getting men to take on more household work and the mental load that goes along with it. Even when women work outside the home, they still do roughly twice as much childcare and about two-thirds of the housework.

Men have been slow to change due to persistent gender norms and, as many tell me in therapy, because it’s difficult to give up arrangements that seem beneficial.

In my clinical practice, women often say they’re suffering burnout from domestic duties and childcare and their male partners don’t get it, no matter how much women try to communicate it. The unequal distribution of domestic labor doesn’t just exhaust women, leaving them angry, resentful and depleted — it also harms their mental health. That inequality is linked to lower relationship satisfaction for both partners, higher risk of divorce, less sex and worse outcomes for children.

How do we change this dynamic? Validating women’s experiences is essential, but repeatedly blaming or shaming men won’t get us there. The imbalance will shift only if men are engaged and genuinely brought on board, and if they intentionally begin working to improve the lives of everyone in the family.

I’ve used three science-backed strategies to help couples in my practice approach household discussions with greater calm, prioritize effectiveness over being right, cut through defensiveness — and ultimately build a fairer, healthier household.

I acknowledge that this approach requires more work from women at the outset, but I believe that work is worth it if it helps create a positive feedback loop with significant long-term benefits.

Assume that your partner’s behaviors at home are (mostly) unintentional

I understand my female clients are burned out from carrying the lion’s share of the domestic burden. That makes it easy to accuse men of acting this way on purpose, which I often hear in my practice: “If he cared about me, he would be doing more at home” or “I can’t believe how lazy and cruel he is when he doesn’t contribute.”

The sheer pervasiveness of lopsided household labor suggests that this problem cannot be explained by a few individual bad actors. Surveys show that most men today endorse the idea of household equality, but many don’t know how to turn that belief into action, according to Dr. Morgan Cutlip, a psychologist in Orange County, California, and author of “A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Better Sex.”

“While some men and women out there are not good people, most men are what I call ‘passive willing partners,’” Cutlip said. “They’re open to changing, and we need to enlist them by uniting against the problem rather than positioning ‘me against you.’”

Instead of assuming a partner is hurting us on purpose, Cutlip suggests we become curious about their experience and attentive to differences in how we were raised and socialized by society. Over a lifetime, we internalize gender norms that shape our behavior in largely unconscious ways. Approaching domestic inequality with the understanding that both partners carry gender-role baggage in the form of inherited defaults and habits can make calm and productive discussions far more likely.

What worked: Hilligoss told me that his wife’s approach, treating him like a teammate rather than an adversary, allowed him to reengage in the conversation. She made it clear that she trusted they could tackle the unworkable system together, which opened the door to ongoing discussions and collaboration.

Their new, shared online calendar was eye-opening. It revealed how much domestic labor he hadn’t noticed, especially the work of planning, organizing and keeping family life running. Over time, Hilligoss realized that being an equal partner requires consistently taking initiative and fully sharing responsibility for cooking, laundry and childcare.

“With that came so much less tension, and more warmth and connection,” he said.

Make the positive outcomes for everyone obvious

It’s easy to see how a more equal division of labor benefits women. But men may not immediately recognize how it also benefits them, the relationship and the entire family.

“A fairer distribution of domestic labor makes men happier, less guilty and depressed, and more satisfied with their relationship or marriage,” said Dr. Daniel Carlson, an associate professor at the University of Utah and executive director of the Council on Contemporary Families. “They are also more likely to feel closer to their children.”

Rich DeGregorio, a 40-year-old communication consultant in Brunswick, Maine, found himself in that familiar pattern. His wife handled most of the household labor, and he assumed she had things under control. Then their daughter was born, the pandemic hit and both spouses began working from home. The workload ballooned.

“That’s when our arguments got really bad, and there was a lot of passive-aggressive behavior on both sides,” he said.

What worked: When DeGregorio’s layoff and his wife’s health issues forced a redistribution of responsibilities, the transition was difficult. Learning to cook and do many other home chores was harder than he had anticipated, but he quickly noticed how much it improved their understanding of each other, eased resentment and deepened their closeness.

“I also have a much better relationship with my kid now,” he said. “All those hours I put into parenting have definitely paid off!”

Changing the assumption from “I win, you lose” to “How do we both win?” is far more likely to bring both partners on board. At home, what’s needed is a modern partnership grounded in equality, openness, companionship and dialogue. No one needs to hold power, and no one needs to shoulder all the sacrifice. We’re in this together, working to make our relationship and family better for everyone.

Affirm yourself and your partner

In my experience, men often perceive women’s concerns about unequal household labor as a personal attack. Whether explicitly stated or simply implied, they may hear messages like “You’re incompetent,” “You’re not a good husband” or “You’re failing as a father,” triggering defensiveness. When they counterattack, shut down or withdraw, their partners often respond in kind. Before long, couples are trapped in a downward spiral that chips away at the relationship and makes it nearly impossible to have productive conversations about fairness at home.

But there’s a way to break the pattern. Research shows that when we pause to reflect on our core values — things like kindness, humor, fitness or spiritual beliefs — we expand our sense of who we are. That psychological cushion makes us more resilient when we feel threatened, less defensive when we hear criticism and better at working through conflict.

So, before diving into a tough conversation about household labor, try a simple self-affirmation exercise. Pick something that matters deeply to you and think about why it’s important. Or focus on one of your strengths and consider how it shows who you are at your best. Writing it down makes the effect even stronger.

Cutlip also suggests habitually noticing what you appreciate about your partner and sharing it with them. Send a text. Leave a note. Say it out loud. Journal about a time when they accepted you exactly as you are, or recall moments when you felt truly seen, heard and valued. These small acts add up.

Zachary Watson, a 35-year-old men’s life coach from Marlborough, Massachusetts, had a similar realization four years ago when he took paternity leave. Watching his wife juggle nearly everything, he realized he’d been acting like what he calls a “man-child.”

Deciding to change was one thing. Actually negotiating who does what, when and how was another.

What worked: “We made a point of acknowledging what we appreciate about each other and saying thank you, even when we disagreed about how to divide household responsibilities,” said Watson, who noted that his background as a teacher helped.

That deliberate gratitude also trained them to notice all the positive things the other person was doing.

“We’re still a work in progress, but things are 100% better,” Watson said. “We’re expecting twins now, and I can’t wait to welcome them — as a team this time.”

Ultimately, the path to a fairer household is not paved with blame, but with collaboration, empathy and a shared commitment to doing better together. Calling men out may feel satisfying in the moment, but it rarely changes behavior. Calling them in, as partners in a shared project, just might.

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